When Big Boy was just a Little Boy (from memory, he was ten at the time), I used to drop him off at the school bus.
Every morning, in the car, I’d drill him.
“What are the two things you need to remember today?”
He would roll his eyes, sigh, and reply.
“Life doesn’t owe me a living…”
“Yes…and?”
“Sh*t happens, and I just have to deal with it.”
I always figured that if he had those two thoughts well and truly entrenched, then he could deal with whatever the world was going to throw at him that day.
Life doesn’t owe us a living – as Mark Twain once said, it was here first. I want my children to really take that to heart, and to be grateful for all the good things that come their way. More importantly, I want them to understand that, blessed as our lives are, it isn’t because we’re in some way deserving, we’re not entitled to anything, nor are we allowed to whinge when things don’t all go as we planned.
Secondly, stuff is going to happen. Life occasionally throws curve balls. When the unpredictable, the unpleasant and the downright difficult happen, then we just have to pick ourselves up, dust off, and get on with it. I can’t prepare my children for specific problems they might encounter, but I can try to teach them that unexpected hiccups are a part of life. Hopefully, if they know it’s coming, then they’re better placed to bounce back from whatever the difficulty might be.
Parenting is such a tricky, constantly evolving process. I’ve been blessed with amazing role models in my own parents, but life has changed so much in the last thirty years that Pete and I often have to figure it out as we go along. Thankfully, we have boys with gentle, kind dispositions which just makes everything so much easier.
Do you have a funny story to share about your kids?
Fig Jam and Lime Cordial 
I was given your blog by Hugh Ditchfield who sat next to my husband on a plane back to Tasmania. It is delightful and I will subscribe. I have 2 blogs, one on finding, eating and cooking authentic food in Tasmania and a general food/travel blog to share info as we move around the world.
http://tastetravel.wordpress.com
Look forward to trawling through your back posts. Roz
Hi Roz! That was very kind of Hugh! Thank you for taking the time to stop by, and also for the links to your blogs, I’ll check them out now.. :) Celia
Ha Ha Ha! This is why you are my friend… such great advice!
When I drop the boy off in the morning I always say, “Ask lots of interesting questions.”
There is so much to be said for being grateful for what you do have. I figure any day that we are all healthy, the power is on and no one is shooting at us is a good one. We have too many books to eat, lots of good food and our family so I’m happy.
Wishing you a creative week,
Marilyn.
Oh Marilyn, we don’t dare say that to Small Man. Last week, in Science Club, they asked him what sort of experiments he’d like to try. He replied, “Can we create a devastating explosion using alkali metals?” :)
It’s funny – once I started appreciating what we do have (rather than whinging about what we don’t), I found that my brain suddenly seemed to notice all the little things that make our life easier. So often, when things are tough, I’ll get a thought out of nowhere…”Isn’t it nice that we have access to hot water whenever we want it?” Or “how fabulous is it that we have such a comfortable bed to sleep on?”. I don’t mean to sound all Pollyanna-ish, but sometimes I can’t help myself (don’t all laugh at once.. :)).
Cheers, Celia
i’m trying the same thing. the positive outlook thing. i’m a new convert and it still feels like trying on a coat to see if it fits… but the glass-half-empty approach isn’t helping anything, so i’m really trying to change register…
i only have devastating stories of potty training. and while some of my friends may find them funny, for me it’s way too soon to laugh.
sounds like you have a wonderful family. i wish you’d post a pic. xo
Good on you, Dana! And thanks – I do have the most wonderful family – I wrote a bit about them here.
Potty training….ah, this too shall pass. It’s funny how time can turn that torturous night when you were up changing sheets for the third time into a funny memory.. :)
I think staying positive is something we all need to actively work at – it can be trained, regardless of what our natural temperaments might be. I agree with you though, it’s not always easy.
LOL two great sayings! I don’t have any kids or any particular thoughts to impart to them except “be yourself and that is fabulous!”
I really like this post Celia. What great advice for your kids and … for me :)
Lorraine, perfect advice! :)
Wink, thanks! It was good to remind myself of it too.
Hi Celia, I’ve left you an award at my blog, so please drop by to pick it up! :)
p/s: Ok, one advice for my future kid(s) – “Shut up and eat whatever that’s in front of you!”
Hehe…great advice! Thanks so much for thinking of me, Wink!
Hmmm……words of comfort. Last night I went to bed…..and woke up with a resolution: grace. Grace. Grace. Remembering that I have grace has kept me….today from grumbling and led me to thank, thank, thank…and be patient too. It is well.
That is such a great thing to try and instil in your kids – life can certainly be hard so the better equipped you are to deal with “stuff” the easier you will be able to, as you say, bounce back.
Oz, wise words indeed, thank you! :)
Choclette, there is a wonderful quote from The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck:
“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly understand and accept it — then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”
Wise words Celia.
Parenting reminds me of one of the big things I learned when doing my MBA – you have to learn to manage yourself before you can learn to manage anyone else. I find it so true in parenting too – understanding my own motivations, and blind spots, seeing clearly how they impact on my interactions with my kids (I know I shout much more when I am trying to juggle too many things), and how it all impacts on my expectations of them, myself and others. Kids are great at holding up a bit of a mirror for me to see this. Like Sam telling me that I was starting to sound a lot like a certain mother at our school who is infamous for whingeing all the time – that shocked me into stopping my complaining about what was going wrong at the school in a big hurry! Or Tara telling me that the good thing about having a bad teacher last year is that she now knows the difference between a good and bad teacher. Often I think my kids are far wiser than I am, and I learn just as much from them as they learn from me. Our aim is to teach our kids the values we hold dear – kindness, honesty, humility, generosity, the need to work for the things (not just material things) you want/need, etc. Andrew and I used to say that we want our kids to learn resilience so they can deal with life’s ups and downs and hold fast in tough situations, mixed with enough self esteem to know when its ok to let go.
Sorry for the long ramble!
So true, my convergent other. You’re so right about having to look after yourself first – one of the things my very wise friend Amanda taught me when Small Man was sick was, as they tell you on the airlines, “fix your own oxygen mask first before helping children”. If you can’t breathe, you can’t help them either. Thank you for the long ramble, I love listening to you! :)
Mwah! Mwah!! Absolutely. To be a good parent you need to be rested so you can cope with all they throw at you. And, as this is a food blog, the other thing I do is to tell my children that they can’t say they don’t like a new flavour until they have tasted it at least 10 times. By then their palate will have adjusted to the new flavour. We have all sorts of conversations:
” So is this my 7th or 8th time trying oysters?”
” I think it is your 3rd sweetie.”
“oh ok.”
I can’t abide fussy eaters!
Thanks for the note. I’ve been worrying whether I have given my (older) daughter enough “ammunition” vis-a-vis life’s challenges. Your note inspired me with a new approach for my (younger) son :))
Thanks again from Indonesia..
Sama sama! Thank you for dropping by.. :)
Hi Celia,
I was at some work training this week (on engaging adolescents) and Scott M Peck was quoted several times. Made me think of you. The facilitator talked about his sensible definition of maturity and the way a mature response to a situation is also a proportional response to the situation. Some situations are life threatening and demand a 9 or 10 response where we drop everything and respond to our body’s automatic fight/flight response. Most situations do not need us to respond this way, yet many of over-react and give every day, irritating events a huge response – including our own children’s behaviour. My training was about helping children and young people to regulate their emotions and how parents have an active part to play – by always trying to remain calm and helping to coach your child to de-escalate when they need it.
I really liked the idea of proportional response so had a great chat with the kids about it and we rated irritating events to determine the kind of response that they really deserved rather than our usual over-reaction. The same day my little man had gone to school in his uniform only to be reminded at the school gate that it was a non-uniform day. He immediately burst into tears and was driven home to change. This has happened before. So it was interesting for him to look at his response and question whether it was really in proportion to the event. How come our bodies do that? And who else in the family does that to give him that patterned way of responding? Yep I have to take responsibility here for being an over-reactor! We decided that next time we could all manage that one differently!
so lots of discussion about proportional reactions this week in our house :)
Nic, this is wonderful advice, thank you! Lots of stuff to think about there. Reminds me (tangentially) of the technique of pleasant event scheduling and ranking of enjoyment, to help us determine what activities really lift our mood. I wonder…if L had stayed at school in his uniform, would he have learnt that it wasn’t all that bad? (We have the reverse problem here of course – “I’m not wearing mufti!!”) Please don’t take the question as a criticism of your parenting decision though – I can fully understand driving a weeping child home to change, as I know how the day can go from bad to worse sometimes in that situation…
Exactly! He would have seen that he survived and did fine. And that is my firm commitment to him next time – but it was easier to look back on the event and our reactions to it and make this decision with hindsight (and help from Mr Peck) and more awareness as it has happened before. I absolutely am part of the problem if I respond to his reaction by rushing him home to change! I really think we have both got it this time. But only time, and lots of practice will tell. Which is why parenting really does seem to be the greatest test for maturity that there is, doesn’t it?
Absolutely. Sometimes I wonder if I’m grown up enough for the job – it’s like constantly flying by the seat of your pants.. :)