© BryPix.com
I used to be one of those people who blamed themselves when bad things happened. If one of the kids got sick, if someone was unhappy, my first thought used to be, “maybe it’s my fault”.
It’s certainly not a pleasant way to live life, but I clung on to the thinking for many years, perhaps out of some misguided sense that I was being humble or responsible in my guilt and angst.
What I didn’t realise though, was that I was actually being egocentric. That didn’t twig until one day, fed up with my moaning and self-flagellation, Pete finally said, “Yes, this is your fault, because you’re the centre of the universe and everything that happens is because of you!”
After a moment of stunned silence, it suddenly dawned on me. It wasn’t about me. Sometimes it is, but most of the time, it really has nothing to do with me at all. In the grand scheme of things, I’m just not that important. I was behaving like a martyr out of pride and self-importance, not humility.
Big Boy (Pete’s clone) followed this lesson up for me a few years later. We’d been at parent-teacher interviews at school, and one of his teachers had given him a hard time about a decision he’d made not to be a school officer.
At the end of that week, I asked him how everything was going with Mrs J.
“What do you mean, Mum?”
“Well, she let you have it on Tuesday night, so I was wondering if things were ok between you two?”
And I’ll never forget what he said.
“Oh that. Everything’s fine. It was late and she was tired and it just came out wrong…she didn’t mean anything by it.”
My son had learnt at fourteen a lesson that I’d taken decades to master – it’s not about me. He’d been able to listen respectfully to his teacher’s comments, hold firm to his decision, but also not take it as a personal attack. He came out of the incident with his self-esteem intact, and his relationship with his teacher unaffected.
Understanding this has changed my life. Now, when someone is terse on the phone, or short-tempered with me, I stop and ask myself, “Is this really about me?” And often the answer is no, it’s not about me at all, something is troubling them and there’s nothing I can do about it. If Small Man comes home complaining that someone has been mean to him at school, I’ll often say, “Sweetie, it probably has nothing to do with you – maybe they were just having a bad day”.
I’m not for a second suggesting that we should allow ourselves to be bullied or persecuted, nor am I advocating a lack of personal responsibility for our actions.
But what I am saying is this: when the person at the checkout is snarky with you, when your boss comes in to work grumpy and won’t say good morning, or when one of the mums at school doesn’t want to chat – don’t waste your time trying to figure out what you’ve done to offend them.
It probably has nothing to do with you.
Fig Jam and Lime Cordial 
Yes indeed.
I would like this stuff to be taught on the junior school curriculum.
Oh my, that was very well put. (And) I think a just heard a very large penny drop in my brain.
I take everything personally, and you’re so right, it is egocentric behaviour – I’ll be trying out the ‘new me’ tomorrow :0)
I enjoyed your post. It’s true, things are often not about us. It frees one up and lifts so much pressure to finally learn what you wrote about. It took me longer than it should have to learn that lesson myself! And like you, I’m thrilled my kids are understanding that much sooner than I!
Wise words – reading this at 5am, a good start to the day, by the way when someone is grumpy or rude at the checkout or in some other service area, I say to myself, they are stuck there and I have my freedom. Roz
That’s great that your son could identify that it wasn’t about him with his teacher. It shows that you have brought up a wonderfully self confident child. It blows me away when occasionally my 4 year old will do something similar, (brings me back down to earth.)
Ah yes I understand you completely Celia. But there are some days when I am a little down and I fall back into ‘oh it’s all about me; it’s something I did; it’s all my fault’ mode.
Thank you all for your comments!
Peter, wouldn’t it be great if we could teach this to our kids early? But sometimes it seems the focus at schools these days is almost the opposite, in that kids are often taught it’s always about them!
Jill and Gillian, I’m with you there, I’m very much a work in progress, and have to keep reminding myself as well!
Kris and CHFG, there’s nothing more rewarding than seeing our children happy and comfortable within their own skins, is there? I learn more from my sons than I could ever teach them…
Roz, thank you, I’ll try to remember that next time as well!
Celia xx
So true. It is often hard to stop the negative spiral of doubt, being judgemental, hurt, etc when something like that happens and we take it personally. So much better to be able to see it for what it is and set it aside. A friend of mine used to describe it as needing to catch the negative crap in front of your body (like you would catch a ball), don’t let it splatter all over you and become a part of you. A good mental image to hold on to in those sorts of circumstances. Hard to remember to do though….
Celia, as always, you express things so perfectly. My husband has recently learned the phrase ” I choose not to pick up that monkey”, and it is serving him well. Often, things that need to be corrected are not of our doing or within our realm to fix. We assume that things won’t “get done” or “won’t be done right” unless we tend to them ourselves. That is totally egocentric thinking. Things get done, crisis are resolved and with little outside intervention.
Thank you for sharing this insight that ultimately reflects each of us and how we view ourselves in life.
Much love,
JuliaB
Great post Mrs C. Thanks for chicken pasta soup last night. hit the spot. Cheers, Dredgemeister.
What a touching post this is!
Well said!!
greets from rainy & chilly Brussels!
I couldn’t agree more Celia :) I’ve had to deal with a couple of unpleasant paranoid people in the past. I don’t mean what you’re talking about, it’s much, much worse where they conjure up scenarios and make dramas about nothing. They think everything that I’ve done is to spite them which couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s got nothing to do with them. Paranoia is saying “it’s all about me” but most of the time it has nothing to do with them. Great advice-I’d like to send this post to them! :P
Spice, great advice, thank you!
Jules, I love that expression – will pass it on to Pete, whom I’m sure will be equally happy to take it on board. Thanks for all your support always, lots of love to you and your family!
Dredgey, you’re most welcome, it was lovely to catch up.
Sophie, thank you! It’s raining here too, but not cold (which is nice!).
Lorraine, that’s hard – on both you and them! It’s a shame they see it in such a skewed way, but I’m also sorry their venom gets aimed at you! Good on you for (hopefully) not letting it get to you (too much!)…
Celia
Oh, the law of the garbage truck. As though you know what I”ve been struggling with……………….! It is well
I’m glad, Oz! It is well here too. :)
I have been meaning to respond to this blog since I first read it….and I didn’t, must be because it really hit home with me.
I could totally relate to all that you expressed here.
I am going to try my HARDEST to remember that it is NOT all about me….and I’ll let you know how it goes!
Regarding your son and his observation……very cool kid!
Hugs,
Jude
Thanks Jude. He is a seriously cool young man, I’m ridiculously proud of him. :)
Chiming in late to say–great post! Something I try to work on remembering every day, and teach my daughter too. The other amazing thing, once you’ve internalized this lesson, is noticing that it is almost *never* about you. Humbling, but freeing too.
Nancy, thank you!
I know exactly what you mean about it actually never being about you. I’ve been working on re-educating my thinking from:
“Why is this happening to me?” –> “Why is this happening?” –> “This is happening. Ok. Now what do we need to do?”
It’s a work in progress. :)
Well put, have sent this post on to a few people I know. Roz