This is a letter to my boys. I’d love to share it with you too, but it’s long and wordy, and I wouldn’t mind in the least if you gave it a miss. Thanks for stopping by today, and we’ll be back to food and garden blogging in the next post!
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One of my favourite photos, taken at Small Man’s 7th birthday party..
Dear Big Boy and Small Man
I recently read a letter in the Sydney Morning Herald that a mother had written to her daughter. It made me think of all the things I wanted to say to you, but never seem to get around to at dinner, because the conversation is so often filled with bizarre hypothetical discussions, like the one last night about shrinking humans and comparing their resultant bone and muscle density to that of other creatures.
I thought I would write you a series of letters, via the blog, so you wouldn’t lose them. Indulge me, you know what I’m like when I get an idea in my head. You two are the left and right sides of my heart, and some times I love you so much that it actually hurts. I desperately want to share my thoughts with you while I can. Not that I’m planning on going anywhere, but if there’s one thing the last few years have taught us, it’s that life is unpredictable.
So here’s the first letter (it seemed fitting to post it on Mother’s Day). Some thoughts, in no particular order (but numbered anyway, because it helps me think clearly)…
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1. Be kind to yourselves…
I know I said no particular order, but this one is probably the most important to me anyway. You have never, ever let us down. You are kind, loving, beautiful human beings who have unique and special talents. No-one is ever good at everything – Small Man, you in particular need to remember that. Treat yourselves gently and don’t judge yourselves harshly – you are the least lazy teenagers I know, you never whinge, and you have always tried hard. And contrary to what my Chinese ancestors would have said, your best efforts really are good enough.
Life is about trying and failing, and trying again and failing again, and trying some more, and then succeeding. It takes time to get good at things. And finally achieving your goal is wonderful, but it’s often not nearly as much fun as the journey is. So don’t give up on things too quickly. Having said that, Small Man, you need to listen to us when we tell you that an idea is bonkers. (I’m typing that with a smile on my face, darling.)
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2. Find good friends and nurture those relationships…
If you look at our lives, you’ll see how important our friends and community are. There are folks who live within walking distance of our house who have known us since before Dad and I were married. A few of them knew us before we were even dating. Choose your friends carefully – look for people who are kind and emotionally honest, and who won’t play silly power games or take advantage of you. And be a good friend in return – be loyal, and generous, and accepting. It takes time to figure this out and to build those relationships (and you’ll be shafted by a few so called friends along the way), but when you do, you’ll be rewarded with a community of people you can trust implicitly, who will always have your back.
When Auntie Dan and I talk on the phone, our conversations often begin with, “Now, don’t judge me for this..”, to which the reply is always a tongue-in-cheek, “I won’t judge you, but I might mock you..”
That pretty much sums up all of our close friendships. We don’t judge each other, but hey, we’re always ready to take the piss a little.
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3. Don’t let other people disempower you…
I wish I could protect you from all the people who are going to try to do this to you over the course of your lives. All I can do is warn you to actively guard against it. Your self-esteem and your self-belief are your power. Don’t let people take this away from you, which they will often try to do for a variety of reasons that don’t make much sense. Sometimes they don’t even realise they’re doing it, and it can be gradual, and one day you can wake up feeling insecure and uncertain about yourself, and not really know why.
Learn to see it coming, and stop it in its tracks. It isn’t always easy to do, but try not to put yourself in a position where you’re vulnerable. Don’t be cocky or bigheaded, because pride always trips us up, and if you’re proud and boastful, there will always be someone who will try to bring you down a peg or two.
And remember, if push comes to shove, we’re always here. Come home, and we will reassure you again that the two of you are the most wonderful and interesting people in the world.
. . . . .
4. Learn to say no…
No mother in her right mind would tell her teenagers this, but since you’ve never refused any reasonable request from us, I feel it’s worth taking the risk.
Following on from the previous point, one of the best life skills you can acquire is the ability to say no to things you really don’t want to do. Occasionally that won’t be possible because of work or family commitments (you can’t say no to your mother at Christmas, remember that), but as a rule, being able to say no is incredibly empowering.
There are two reasons it’s so important – firstly, it enables you to resist peer pressure. Both of you are already very good at this, but it can be insidious, and therefore it’s always something to watch out for. Secondly, life is about choices. Try to make them consciously and in a considered manner, and be aware that in this first world life we live, you almost always have a choice.
Learn to say no in an honest, non-offensive way, and it will lead you to better relationships with other humans. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to over-explain your decisions – “I don’t want to do that” is really a good enough reason. People will appreciate your honesty and forthrightness – and you will be all the wiser about those who don’t.
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5. People are complicated.
Sometimes we all fall into the trap of compartmentalising people – it’s very easy to think of someone as “good” or “bad”. But if there’s one thing Dad and I have learned over our lifetimes, it’s that people are complicated, and no-one is perfect. Once you understand that, it’s much easier to accept other human beings for the complex mixed bag of happy-sad-angry-kind-greedy emotions that we all are in varying degrees.
Try to search for the good in folks, but don’t allow yourselves be taken advantage of. Remember, complicated works both ways – nasty rude people might have a kind and generous side, but by the same token, the most congenial person might also have a bitter and angry streak. Understanding this will improve your interpersonal relationships no end, because it takes away the element of surprise when someone behaves in an unexpected way. We are all multi-faceted, multi-dimensional creatures with uniquely functioning brains, and to view each other as anything else can only lead to disappointment.
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Of course there’s more. But as you know, I like to work in fives, so I’ll leave it here for now. Also, your grandparents are due for dinner any minute, so I’d better get back into the kitchen!
My deepest love to you both,
Mum x
Fig Jam and Lime Cordial 
Gorgeous, Celia.
Thanks Lizzy darling. x
What wonderful advice,Celia. Love the photo of the boys.
Elaine, isn’t it just the best photo? I wrote a bit about it here:
https://figjamandlimecordial.com/2011/05/14/big-boy-and-small-man/
Beautiful, Celia.
Meg, thank you! xx
Celia, your sons are so lucky to have such thoughtful, kind, generous and loving parents. Their actions and lives reflect you and it always sounds like you have such pride in and love for them. I wish all children could be given your advice xxx
Caroline, we’re so blessed to have them, they’re absolutely gorgeous. I adore them. Thank you for your kind words.. xx
Unconditional mother love.
:-) Mandy xo
It’s just so easy with our two, Mandy! xx
You are a wonderful mother Celia, your boys are so blessed to have you and your unconditional love and hard fought wisdom xox
But you forgot to add- don’t forget your mother is a Saint! :P
Oh yes, thanks Becca. How could I forget that bit? ;-)
No way would I want to miss this. Your relationship with your kids is one to attempt to emulate. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with the rest of us too.
Jo, thank you! I think as mothers we’re so desperate to protect them from all the unpleasantness in the world, but the only remote chance we have of doing that in the long run is to try and pass on what we’ve learnt, and hope they can benefit from it. There are no guarantees of course, but I’m grateful that the blog gives me a chance to try and put my thoughts together in a coherent form.
So lovely to share these thoughts with others as always happy mother day Celia
John, thank you for taking the time to read it while you’re on holidays! I hope you’re both having a wonderful time! xx
I read to the last word. Your boys are incredibly lucky to have a mum like you.
Maureen, thank you for reading, and for your kind words – they mean a lot to me. I feel like we cheated a bit though – our boys are so good, they make it easy for us! :)
Celia: you lovingly wrote this to your sons, but . . . is not every one of those points you have so clearly explained applicable to each and every one of us at whichever stage of life we have reached . . . so many people do no know how to be kind to themselves or how to do away with insecurities life throws at them – beautiful, thank you!
Eha, thank you – sometimes it takes so long in life to figure stuff out, doesn’t it?
Aww this is gorgeous. Boys, listen to your mother, she is wise beyond her years! I wish I had gotten this sort of advice growing up!
Thank you darling! xx
Wonderful and awesome words Celia so meaningful that anyone who reads this can see things to take on board in their own lives as well
Linda, thank you! :)
Like the dark chocolate – lovely, deep, real
You made me smile Linda! Thank you! PS. All the garlic is planted! :)
Wise words we could all live by Celia, young or old x
Jane, that’s kind of you to say that, thank you!
Oh, what a good mother you are. You’ve inspired me to write something similar to my tribe. Beautiful words, C xx
I’d love to read your letter Charlie! :) xx
Celia, I wish I’d met you earlier in my life. Please keep teaching me! Xxx
I wish I’d met you earlier too, Ali! What a dear friend you’ve become! xx
So beautiful. As always, you are inspirational.
Abby, that’s so kind of you, thank you! Our children really are such a treasure, aren’t they?
Celia- motherhood becomes you.
You have learned such wisdom in rearing your sons and you are very kind to share it with us.
We all need to think about how to conduct our lives and to keep our priorities straight. I used to write letters to my family every year, just in case letters that assured them of my love- I had a stack of them that I finally passed out to them and started just telling them every chance I got that I love them, approve of their lives, and admire their choices.
We need to keep affirming the good in those around us- and really- mothering never stops.
Thank you- for living a life of consideration and kindness, for sharing your learned wisdom and for raising sons to do the same.
Love you-xx heidi
Heidi, like you, I lost someone very dear a few years ago (ours was a close neighbour and friend), and it always made me think about what she might have wanted to say to her kids if she was still around. As I said, I have no plans of going anywhere, but life is remarkably unpredictable, and I’m really grateful that the blog lets me get some of my thoughts into a concrete form.
Love you too! xx
What a treasure of wisdom this will be to your boys as they navigate life. So beautiful. Years ago I wrote a letter to my daughters to give them as they transitioned from our home out into the world — a reminder to cling to what is valuable and release the trivial. As each one has spread their wings, I’ve placed the letter in their hands. With our youngest graduating, I am preparing the letter once again.
Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal and inspiring.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Judy, how wonderfully symbolic to give them each a letter as they leave the nest! What a wonderful idea! Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts, and hope you’re having a wonderful Mother’s Day too!
Extremely wise advice, and given in a way that is so free and light and loving!
I look forward to more letters to your sons, because I feel I could profit from your advice too.
It’s already Monday for you, but Happy Mother’s Day, I already talked to mine and for the first time in many months I think she looked very well, and healthy and happy today…
Sally, thank you! How fabulous that your mum is doing so well! x
This is just lovely. I was thinking today that Mother’s Day really is a celebration of our children, who after all make mothers of us. This letter is a beautiful gift — to your boys and to all of us.
Siobhan, thank you! I hope you and your family have a wonderful day! x
*wipes eyes and blows nose*
*passes clean hanky and a nice hot cup of tea* :)
That’s so lovely!
Thanks Clare! Hope you had a fabulous weekend! x
This was a beautifully written, loving letter for your Boys, Celia. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I hope you enjoyed a wonderful Mothers Day.
John, thank you! Yes, it was a lovely day! :)
i read this post yesterday and since then i’ve been thinking about it and what i wanted to say but i’m still digesting your words..i’ll just say celia that your letter is special and a beautiful gift to your children..x
Jane, thank you. I hope it will be useful to them as they get older, but now it’s written and stored where they’ll hopefully always be able to find it! :)
awww this gave me little tear-ies, as I thought of my own son, who is now 30 but still at times comes back to Mum for some of that reassurance. Bless
Thank you for your lovely comment! I hope we’re all still close when our boys are in their thirties! :)
Hi Celia, just forwarded this thoughtful post to my daughter, like you she has two sons, a beautiful letter.
Madge, thank you!
Celia what a wonderful post. I think we can all learn from your letter. What lucky boys you have and how lucky you are to have such wonderful sons.
Claire, thanks love, I think I learn something every time I try and put my thoughts down in words. We really do have the most fabulous sons, Pete and I count our blessings every day!
I love raw honesty that is ladled with lashings of kindness.
Thanks so much Rose, I hope that’s how my sons read the post as well.
Beautiful and touching post, Celia. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Norma! Thanks for reading it.. x
A perfect literal exercise in “If you give a man a fish you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish you feed him for a lifetime.” … and you of course will teach your boys how to cook the fish as well :)
ED, they’re always so much I want to tell them, but dinner never seems the best time to do it. I’m grateful the blog gives me a chance to put things in writing.
And I wish either of them would show more interest in cooking! But they’re pretty discerning eaters, so maybe that will come later!
Precious drops of wisdom that need to be sipped and contemplated, it is in the pause between the breathes the loving soaks in. Thanks for sharing them with us all.
Thanks darling man. We’re missing you! xx
A very thought provoking letter, Celia! I think we can apply it to ourselves as well as the children. Your boys are very blessed to have you for their mother!
Manuela, thank you, but it really is the other way around. I wouldn’t be a mother without them – we’re so blessed to have them! :)
This is so lovely. Your boys are very lucky!
Thanks so much, Kari! x
That’s beautiful, Celia. Such wise and heartfelt thoughts – will pass on to my son x
My mother used to say “because of my children, every day is Mothers Day”. It sounds like you’d agree?
:)
I can’t speak for Vicki, but I certainly try telling my kids that. No-one makes me tea every morning though, despite my best efforts. :)
Thanks Vicki! I’m missing your gorgeous son, he hasn’t been around to pick up chocolate in ages! :) Hope you’re ok.. xx
This is so beautiful !
Thank you very much! :)
Celia your words brought tears to my eyes. A mothers love is unconditional. Thanks for sharing
Lisa, there’s so much we want to tell them, isn’t there? Sometimes it’s hard to find the right time. Your little one is still so young, enjoy this wonderful time! :)
Love this post! Especially the people are complicated bit…. Priceless gems! Thank you!
Thank you! I think when we’re younger we’re so often indignant and let down by people – once we realise how complex people really are, it’s easier to get past that!
Beautiful.
Thanks darling! x
Thanks for sharing this Celia! What a sweet picture of your boys. Happy Mother’s Day to you too xx
Emilie, thanks love! Hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day too! xx
Thanks, mom! <3
Hope you had a fabulous Mother’s Day, Maz! xx
I did! The mencats made a fine batch of stuffed french toast. It was all good. :-) Hugs, Maz.
I chose to say no to someone today. I always think of you when I do this. The fact is people seem to go to all sorts of lengths to avoid saying no, even when said with good grace. There aren’t enough role models to channel. So for the last couple of years I have thought about your definition of a good friend (as being someone you can say no to) and it has helped me to define good friendships better, but also to be clearer with everyone around me when I really just want to say “No. Can’t do that”. A great read as usual. I’m wondering if I send it to my kids and say ditto will they think I am taking the easy way out?!
Nic
Nic, thank you for saying that, we’ve had so many conversations over the past years, and I’m always grateful for your wise opinion on so many things. I’d love to share this with your kids (whom as you know, I absolutely adore!!).
What beautiful words! My eyes have filled with happy tears :)
Thank you for taking the time to read it! :)
Ah, Celia, what a wonderfully open and honest letter. Your sons are so lucky to have a mother like you. I can understand why they are great kids. These are great words for anyone to live by. Thank you for putting them on your blog.
Sharon
Sharon, thank you! As you know, sometimes we can worry endlessly about them, but there’s only so much a we can do to try and help them on their journeys. I’m hoping they find this letter useful one day, although I do know that there are some things only experience can teach any of us..
I could do with this advice now! But seriously, you’ve put into words in an erudite and beautifully open way so many things I’d like to tell my girls.
Thanks for taking the time to read it, love.. x
Lovely words , it brought me to tears , your boys are so lucky to have such a beautiful loving mother xx
Thank you darling. You’ve watched them grow up! xx
Good advice for everyone. I’m sure your lovely boys appreciate what a great mother they have.
Thank you Debra love, you’re very kind. xx