Big Boy is now 22.
For those of you who’ve been reading along for a while, you’ll have watched him grow up – from the days when he was penning creative fiction and playing the French horn in high school, to his first job with his Aunty Kate, and through his young adult years at Sydney University.
Along the way, though it hardly seems possible, he and his brother have grown even closer. He’s taught us valuable life lessons, and listened respectfully when we’ve tried to share what we’ve learnt with him in return.
Now, as a Computer Science graduate, he’s out in the workforce. Like many of his peers, he has a couple of part-time jobs, but one of them is in his chosen field, which is wonderful. He continues to live at home, and it’s an absolute joy to have him around. We’ve told him that whilst we’re not in a position to hand over a lump sum of money to him, we’re happy to give him a few more years of living at home, rent-free. That way, his early employment choices can be driven by interest and passion, rather than dollars.
It also gives me time to have conversations with him about managing a budget. One of the dangers of living at home as a young adult is the temptation to simply spend everything you earn. Without the obligations of rent, weekly grocery bills and utilities, it’s hard to grasp how much it really costs to live independently.
So, we’re scribbling on bits of paper, and crunching numbers. We’re trying to use figures that are reasonable, but the actual amounts aren’t critical – at this point in time, it’s just important that he knows what sort of expenses to expect. Our boys have always been good with money, but this exercise has been quite an eye-opener for Big Boy. There’s so much to discuss – provisioning a set amount each month to provide for the quarterly utilities, sticking to a budget for entertainment, how much to save, how much to put away for tax. Learning to swim before diving in, as it were.
We’re incredibly blessed that our 22 year old son will actually listen to us. I never take that for granted. We try (not always successfully) to only offer opinions when asked and thankfully Big Boy will often consult with us. He always considers what we suggest, but then makes his own decisions, knowing that we never expect him to do what we say simply because we’ve said it.
My favourite photo: Small Man was sick on his 7th birthday, and his big brother was the only one who could coax a smile out of him!
When my sons were still in primary school, one of their teachers (who subsequently became a dear friend) said to me, “Celia, there’s more to raising children than just teaching them and keeping them safe. You also have to let them go – gradually, over years – so that they’re ready to go out into the world when their time comes”.
I took that advice to heart. I would have loved nothing more than to be able to keep my boys little and at home with me, but it was never going to be an option. So for years, we’ve worked actively towards the end goal of getting them ready to live as independent adults.
In part, we’ve done that by incrementally handing over decision making, as soon as it was safe and appropriate to do so. The process of actually making choices, and being responsible for the outcome whatever it might be, has been incredibly empowering for them. And talking – lots and lots of talking. One of the reasons I write this blog is so that if anything ever happens to me, my sons have my words. Proof – which they would hopefully never need – of how happy they make me and how much I adore them.
Bec left me a lovely message recently commenting on how proud I am of my boys. I can’t begin to tell you how deep that feeling goes. Unlike many of our peers, it’s not pride in their academic or social achievements, which have been fine but certainly not superlative. They’re by no means the smartest or the coolest kids around. But they are kind and loving and gentle, with backbones of steel. They work hard, with a drilled-in understanding that life doesn’t owe them a living and that sometimes shit can happen, and that it’s not always about them. More importantly, they’re honest – with us, with others, with their words and with their emotions.
Pete and I truly couldn’t have hoped for better sons. Every day with them is filled with laughter and gentle teasing, and a comfortable sense of camaraderie. I’m making a point of enjoying this time, because I know it won’t last – eventually they’ll move out and start independent adult lives of their own. And that’s how it should be. As my friend Sue said all those years ago, raising children eventually means letting them go. ♥
Fig Jam and Lime Cordial 
Congratulations Celia, on a job well done. The hardest part is letting go & I’m not sure I’ve managed that at all yet.
A, it’s not easy is it? I guess we can only do the best we can.. xxx
and Celia I’m sure your boys feel blessed to have such a caring and well rounded mother
That’s a kind thing to say Sandra, thank you. I do wonder sometimes if they think I’m completely mental. :)
Congratulations dear Celia, this is so beautiful and so proud of for a mother. Blessing and happiness, love, nia
Nia, they’re a huge joy! Thank you!
Ah, this post makes me so happy… well done Celia and Pete xox
Ah Lizzy, you and I both know how complicated the process is. We only do what we can, right? :)
Beautiful musings Celia. Sons are special beings indeed. I’m blessed to also have one. I cant help thinking that your wise guidance and counsel mixed with unconditional love have been the contributing factors in raising these two decent humans! Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Donna, I really DO try and love them unconditionally. It’s not always easy to do, I think, because society gives us measures by which we “should” judge our kids. But our sons make us happy in every way that matters, and for that we really do feel incredibly blessed.
I too join in with the others in sending congratulations to you and Pete. Wishing you and your sons good health and happiness always.
Norma, thank you so much. That’s what I wish for them too!
I think that’s great to be discussing budgets because kids have no idea the cost of living whilst living at home. My niece who is a similar age first year out of uni is earning a fortune and balked at having to get her own health insurance at $40 a month. Goodness me this is probably a cheap bill wait until you are paying electricity Internet water etc. you’re boys sound very grounded and all that means is that you have done a wonderful job. Regards Kathy A, Brisbane
Kathy, it’s hard to really get a handle on what it costs to live independently until you actually have to do it, but I’m hoping to offer the boys at least some forewarning! Let’s hope it helps! :)
We all love our kids so much it hurts.
Beautiful post Celia. I hope I can say the same about mine when they are adults. Congratulations xo
Kim, that is so true – sometimes until my body aches and my eyes “leak”, as Sue put it below. :)
Thank you for sharing that great photo of Big Boy with us. You are to be congratulated in teaching him matters more important than any degree. When it is time for him to have his own pad: no bad surprises, no rushing back home to ask for help – most important life lesson methinks! [Do you know: with an army lawyer father and accountant mother I was lucky to have been in Big Boy’s shoes: I just recently finished my year’s budget: yep, old-fashioned – that still belongs in a ledger book also :) ! All these years later !!!]
Eha, good for you! I think with the unpredictability of today’s job market, it’s really important to figure out what your bottom line really is. Living within our means – it’s the great secret to a stress-free life! :)
Such an inspiring post exactly the qualities that I would love to nurture in my kids. I have been very lucky to be blessed with talents that made academic success easy, but the thing I am most proud of is my work ethic and practicality. Financial smarts in particular are essential and I wish they were taught more widely. What an amazing job you are doing
Emma, I still can’t believe how many things you get done with three small people at home! Good for you! And thank you!
Hi Celia. I reiterate what others have said. Congratulations to you & Pete and congrats to your boys and congrats to BB on his graduation.
Glenda, we’re so proud of him. And every bit of it is his own achievement!
Celia, this post moved me to tears. What wonderful parenting! Your boys are a credit to you both. I Wish I had a better system of budgeting to pass on to my boys. Perhaps you could run a workshop?
Jaqi, I’ve written a few posts on frugal living (there’s a separate page here: https://figjamandlimecordial.com/frugal-living/ ). I think though that just knowing when expenses are coming is a great start, especially for someone who’s 22! :)
…and lets’ not forget how handsome they are! Your boys are very special which says a lot for their parents. It is great to be able to know that you have raised a couple of nice men. I feel that way about my son too, he is happy, honest and gets on well with people. What more could you want?
Your son is a gorgeous man! I hope we get to meet him one day, Deb! x
What a beautiful post Celia, one that left me with “leaking eyes” as my son, when he was little, used to call them. I too have two sons, 22 and 25 years old, who are both still at home, and my husband and I have tried bringing ours up just as you described in your post. It is scary how much one loves them!!! Thank you for writing such a beautiful and heartfelt tribute to your sons, and for sharing it with us all.
Sue, isn’t it a joy when our relationships with our children “work”? We have friends who aren’t quite as fortunate, and I can’t imagine how hard that must be. We really feel blessed to have such a close relationship with ours!
Aw Celia this is lovely. I have tried very hard to follow these principles too, knowing that one day my precious Skater will move out and begin a new life too. Mine is not the smartest or the quickest to grow up but he is an amazing boy, like yours that likes to discuss and considers others opinions. Oh my God we are lucky you, me and Pete….and lets not forget our boys.
Lovely boy, that Skater! I love when you write about him on your blog, T! xxx
Lovely post celia – I think being the smartest or coolest kid does not always make for being the most content – knowing the ways of the world and knowing what works for them is so important – and of course having your wise counsel helps immensely with this! Always interesting to see how other parents do it because it will be us soon enough :-)
Johanna, you’ll blink, and Sylvia will be a young adult! :)
You are so fortunate and I hope I can do the same with my two little ones over the coming years
I hope so too! :)
As we say in Arabic Celia, “Mabrook,” congratulations!! What a handsome and wonderfully brought up young man (men) you have! We also have a 22 yr old and 24 yr old (plus a 10 yr old).. All boys. And yes, I also share in your musings.. They never cease to fascinate me with their uniqueness. Sadly, one lives on his own. And my heart yearns for his smile & voice each day.
Enjoy the small & big moments while you can!
Lina, they all have to find their own way eventually, right? But I can’t imagine it’s every easy when they move out!
And I’m sure they will make wonderful partners for someone because they are very well rounded.
I hope so, Fi. They certainly will if they model their behaviour on their father’s!
Lovely post Celia, nothing like tearing up at the blokey domain of the barbers lol
Have you taught them about flirting?
Jason xx
Oh puhlease, some things are inate, J.. :)
Isn’t Big Boy like Pete? Well he’s like both of you but particularly Pete.
As an old school marm I’m thrilled to see BB budgeting and learning how to make the dollars do what he wants them to do. And of course I’m smiling at your well deserved pride in both your lovely boys.
Rose, I KNOW. It’s like I cloned him. It’s a real life skill, isn’t it, this budgeting thing…
ahh. reading this, sipping champagne. cheers big ears :). The utter joy of watching your kids become their own beautiful people. side note: agree with Jason that flirting properly is a very important life skill for all men and women, single and partnered.
Ditto, love. I adore your kids, but hey, you know that.. :)
Well done and happy wishes to your lovely family!
Thank you, lovely Misky! :)
A beautiful post Celia, and very much echoes the way my parents bought me and my brother up – they always say they wanted to give us “roots & wings” and they most certainly did! Big Man and I often comment on how things need to change in Spain (at least for many of the families we know) as tradition (and problems with the economy there now too ) keeps the children at home for waaaay too long and many of them just expect to be kept without giving anything back to the home or family, In England Big Man was surprised at how young people get Saturday jobs then work while they are at university, fund their own social lives, flat share, and generally are much more financially and emotionally independent.
Tanya, the problem with sheltering kids too long is that when they eventually DO have to live independently, they’re in no way prepared for it. It’s a tricky transition, but the earlier we start preparing for it, the easier it is!
What a lovely post. It’s hard to let them go but so rewarding to see them flourish and succeed. GG
Honestly, all I want is for them to be happy and content. Flourish and succeed at life, not necessarily make heaps of money or have hugely successful careers!
You have a wonderful family that you can be very proud of Celia. Shepherding children towards an independent adulthood is such a rewarding experience. I never fail to feel proud of my daughter who is now living independently – shopping, cooking, budgeting, and doing it all amazingly. Our children are our greatest creation.
Kim, how wonderful that must be to watch!
She even cooks for me when I visit! She wouldn’t boil an egg at home 😃
I love this post, Celia, and I adore that photo of your two boys as kids. I hope my kidlets will grow up to be such lovely adults as well. :)
Imogen, I’m sure they will, but that adorable wee bubba of yours has a looong way to go! :)
I can’t even- are you trying to make me cry at 8 am? I always appreciate these posts as it gives me a glimpse into my future. Well done, mama. xo
Thanks lovely. I always KNOW you understand, and I’m very grateful for that.. xxx
Love the photo of your two boys Celia. How blessed they are to have each other and such parents as you and Pete.
Madge, they really are. Pete and I always take comfort in the fact that they boys look out for each other!
What a lovely post Celia, you have every right to be proud. I too aspire to have boys such as yours and already we are entertaining life lessons along the way at a young age. It is the letting go part I don’t look forward to! I can only hope to raise them well enough that they will remain active in our lives even after they move out. My parents had the same open mind about letting their children go, of course they had a different perspective since my older sister died at age 11. They knew that once my brother and I moved out we would at least still be in their lives. Go figure, I’m the one who studies overseas twice and yet live near my parents whereas my brother is the one that lives on the opposite coast! Congrats on raising such wonderful sons, you are an inspiration and they can see it in your blog as can the rest of us. That was also one of the reasons I started our family blog, of course telling entertaining stories about the boys may have been another motive!
Gretchen, I’m so sorry to hear about your sister, that must have been brutal on you all. :( It really does feel so important to me that I leave my words for my boys…
They are beautiful boys indeed Celia, and definitely will be wonderful husbands with all the gentle training you’ve given them over the years. We’ve been having the budgeting talk with MiddleC for ages now- she eventually conceeded defeat and just handed over her debit card :) After finally commiting to a written budget she’s just been able to put the full deposit on her first home. Big Boy will appreciate your advice and love that you sow into him into the next few years of his maturity, and I so look forward to seeing what the future brings to your gorgeous young men xo
Becca, that’s wonderful news about C!! How fantastic that she’s on her way to owning her own house!
A heartfelt post, Celia. Your sons are very handsome and well rounded. You two have been truly blessed with such wonderful, thoughful boys. I hope my boys will grow up as well rounded and thoughful. Letting go, gradually, is one that I find very hard. But it is for the benefit of our children.
Manuela, it really is, but oh, it’s hard to do. Especially when we know something’s going to go pearshaped. But that really is how we all learn!
Wow what great boys and what wonderful parents they have! I hope my boys and girl grow up to be as kind and gentle! I am trying hard!
You’re very kind, thank you! Lots and lots of talking makes a difference! :)
Awesome post… as you know, I am a stepmom, but never had kids myself. I follow the adventures of my friends and my nieces with their kids, and it is amazing how tough it can be.
From the very beginning of following your posts, I knew your family is special. Tight, close, functional – all good!
and you are a huge part of it!
Sally, you’re the stepmom every kid would want! Thanks for being such a lovely friend! xxx
What a wonderful post :) I love everything you’ve written, and as a mother of a soon-to-be 13 year old boy, I am taking note! It would seem that your boys are a credit to you and your husband – and you are a credit to them xxx
Our recent conversation in part inspired this post, so thank you, lovely! xxx
Oh how lovely, thank you xx
Yes, Yes, Yes! We are also enjoying this phase in our boys lives. The oldest (25) got married this summer to an amazingly wonderful woman so now we have our first daughter to enjoy and the youngest (21) is studying abroad in Sweden for a semester. I would not have guessed any of this when I married my best friend 33 years ago but it is such a blessing! Congratulations to Big Boy and to you and Pete!
Isn’t it great, Lynn? I’m so glad to hear your boys are doing so well!
Really choked up! You and Pete have done a brilliant job. Yes, the hardest part is letting go and allowing them to make decisions.
Debi, thank you! I don’t know that it’s brilliant, often we feel like we’re flying by the seat of our pants. But our family life is gentle and funny and easy – that is a great gift!
The day our babies were born I knew our job was to prepare them to become independent members of the community who could respect others, be true to themselves and to be able to have a good laugh. We now sit around the table with 3 sensational adults who have equally sensational partners and I get very emotional when I sit back and watch and listen to them. I work in a school and keep saying “look at the kids and you see their parents”. Behaviour and attitude is taught by example, both positive and negatives. Their success in becoming wonderful people is not accidental, it is a result of your input and by golly it’s bloody hard, unrelenting work but you get back what you put in. Good job mum & dad!
Maree, thank you! How glorious to have your children paired up so successfully and everyone getting along so well! Hooray for you! :)
Such a beautiful love filled post Celia. You and Pete can be incredibly proud of your boys and yourselves for raising such wonderful young men.
Have a beautiful week ahead.
My Pete left today for a week, wasn’t ready for him to go and nor was he.
:-) Mandy xo
Mandy, I hope sometime soon you and he won’t have to be apart as much.. xxx
It really adds up when you start saving and thinking about money that early. You two sound like great parents.
Ahh you’re kind. Don’t know if we can really show off though, they’re pretty easy kids to parent! :) (You’ll be impressed – Big Boy mixed me a cocktail the other night! Growing up fast!)
Whenever I want a dose of complete wisdom delivered with no frills and cutting right to the core I come here Ms Celia. This is an incredibly lovely post. It’s a post about boys and it is STILL incredibly lovely. Your fundamental, deep love for your kids and your journey into letting them go is the story of the ages, part and parcel of all of our journeys albeit in many different forms. A lovely and most poignant post to make sure to immerse yourself in those little moments because they are actually all that makes life delicious and worth the living. Thank you for sharing with us Ms Celia, I am humbled by your honest and most beautiful words :)
Fran, thank you. I started off writing about budgeting and ended up bleeding my heart out at the end, but that’s so often what happens with my sons. I sometimes wonder why parents don’t tell their kids more often how much they adore them – I can’t tell mine enough! :)
That’s the best thing about having kids and the worst. Learning to let them go and being incredibly proud of who and what they have turned out to be :)
You inspire me always Celia but your posts about raising wonderful humans are truly special. Thank you.
Jo, such a kind thing to say, thank you!
Beautiful, Celia and how proud you must have been on his graduation. He looks all grown up in that gown! You’ve done a great job of raising him and it shows in how he loves to still be at home and loves to be around you and loves to listen to you. A job well done! xx
Charlie, he took off the hat because he said it made him look ridiculous! :) We’re very lucky to have our kids, aren’t we! xxx
Oh Celia your post brought tears to my eyes! Your boys sound just so wonderful. Greatest gift you can give your children is making them become independent I think – but also them knowing that you are a helping them become ‘that’ and not just throwing them into it unsupported. You know the thing about budgeting. I am learning that very late in life as wasn’t taught it as a child. It grounds people and helps them understand life better. I am teaching myself NOW at 40 to do it! To think before spending! so it is absolutely perfect that you started early with them – Life is Practice I guess.xxxx
Lara, I moved out of home at 17, so I learnt it the hard way too! I’m hoping that by having conversations about it, my boys can at least have some idea of what’s coming when they finally do live independently!
Oh Celia – this is gorgeous. How time flies xx
Vicki, can you believe it? I still have a photo of you in our dining room from Big Boy’s first birthday! How is it you still look exactly the same? :)
He’s a gorgeous young man inside and out. I’m beaming at his success and I’ve never met him. :)
I am so hoping to be able to introduce him to you one of these days! :)
Such a wonderful post Celia, thank you for sharing! :) Liz xx
Liz, thank you! :) xxx
Ah, what a truly touching post Celia and one that we can all tell is straight from the heart. I think the hardest but most rewarding thing we do in life is to parent. No matter what examples, good or bad that we’ve had, we’re still pretty much on our own since every child has such a unique personality and set of circumstances that no one else can counsel you on. I’d say you have every right to be proud of your son and he is blessed to have you and Pete as parents.
Although my daughter is living on her own now for a few years, we still talk every day and see each other as often as possible. I think we have such a close relationship because she was a competitive figure skater from a very young age & went to a private school and we spent so many hours in the car traveling to rinks and school. I think especially of those cold, dark mornings driving to the rink before school and there was an intimacy riding side by side & perhaps not having to be face to face talking that allowed my daughter to feel that she could say anything to me. Those were very natural and easy going conversations which we continue to have. Then when I had the misfortune of illness, we became even closer if that was possible. But sometimes when you realize that you might not always have each other you make the most of each moment. I agree that blogging is wonderful for us to express how we feel. I don’t think there is anything stronger than a mother’s love for her children. Congratulations to Big Boy – I am sure that he will continue to grow as an adult who’s had much good advice and guidance.
Diane, how lovely that you have such a close relationship with Niki! That time in the car is gold, isn’t it? I’m glad she’s taken as good care of you as I’m sure you always have of her. Much love xxx
We were both crying this weekend (she & Tim stayed over) talking about old times & her upcoming wedding. Celia – just 6 months away & my baby will be married!
You must have had a few tears in your eyes writing this, Celia. he is such a lovely looking young man too. Getting to grips with budgeting is so important. The fact that he will actually “listen” to you is probably partly due to the fact that you have conversations with him and don’t just ‘talk at’ or ‘tell’ him what you think. But for the rest – I think you are just a terrific family unit with plenty of emotional intelligence – and you share such great food together – a lot of things in life get worked out around a shared meal. I remember the post on Big Boys creative writing – I’m still waiting for the rest of the story!
Jan, he’s growing up and making decisions without us, and that’s how it should be. But we’re just grateful that he’ll ask our opinion occasionally. We feel very blessed! :)
Letting go – my first conscious memory of that was the first time Jake crossed the road on his own, to get to the school gate; where I didn’t follow behind but waited around the corner holding my breath, with my eyes squeezed shut and fingers crossed. No squealing tires, no shouts – he made it – I made it. It’s so hard letting go but so essential. How wonderful that both your boys get on (I’ve read all the links!) work hard and are just so measured and respectful. Well done to you and Pete – how lucky you all are to have each other xxx
You’re going to laugh – I found myself holding my breath just reading your comment! Thank you darling friend, yes, we are so very lucky to have each other!
Oh Celia, I can’t express the joy you have just brought to me! I am sitting near the beach on holiday with my mum and 7 month old son reading your post when I suddenly tell her that I am internet famous! She gasped and told me it’s like you are my new best friend! I am so glad my previous comment touched you in the way it was intended. I grew up with 4 sisters so all I have known is girls, well the tide has changed and my mum now has 5 grandsons and only one granddaughter so I am truly inspired by you that it is possible to be as close to my son and nephews as I am to my mum and sisters, it has relieved the fear I had when I heard the words “it’s a boy!”
Bec, boys are an absolute joy! They stink more than girls, but they’re also less likely to bottle things up! I envy you your 7 month old – you’ve got a lifetime of joy to look forward too! :)
He’s a lovely boy. Both of them are and with such different personalities too. But both compassionate and lovely to be around :)
Thank you, lovely! We really do feel blessed! :)
You make the best use of this excellent forum for recording and sharing your wisdom which comes of living your beliefs and leading by example. I only wish the forum could be expanded to encompass the wider world outside of your neighbourhood and the blogosphere… or even just Australia… there are a few that could do with your commonsense approach!
ED, you’re always so kind, thank you! :)
Monumental congratulations, Celia and Pete.
As someone who wrote off not having children because I never found the person to have them with – and now that I’m nearly too old, I can admit it was probably because I wasn’t sufficiently brave – I have the utmost admiration for those who leap into the Great Unknown of raising children.
How wonderful to be seeing such a magnificent return for your (and I’m sure a whole lot of other’s) hard, hard work!
Jacqueline, thank you – it really is flying by the seat of your pants, this parenting stuff! As Di said above, every child is different, so we all have to adapt as we go. But we’ve been blessed with children of lovely temperaments, which made life a lot easier! :)
You did a great job with your young men. You are right to be proud.
Thanks lovely Pat! Hope all is going well over in Yorkshire! xxx
Beautiful words